Milking it!
About two weeks ago, M-I-L called out the doctor because she'd had a bad dose of the sh*ts overnight and had stomach pains. Given that she's nearly 80, and was probably dehydrated, the doc suggested that she should go into hospital to be checked out.
So off she goes to hospital where they stick her on a saline drip to rehydrate her, and take some the usual set of bodily fluid samples to test.
Within a few hours she no longer had the sh*ts and announced to the current Mrs James that she felt greatly improved. They decided to keep her in hospital overnight and took more samples, having found nothing untoward in the first set.
The next day she looked as right as rain, and her medical chart seemed to bear out that there was nothing amiss in her vital signs - blood pressure, pulse, temperature etc all normal.
Once again, they found nothing wrong in her samples and said that if she had no further symnptoms she could go home the next day. So it was that we collected her the next day looking the picture of health.
However, since she got home, she has proceeded to milk her experience for all its worth. She has lived in her dressing gown and has pretty much stayed in bed acting feeble - at least until one of her soaps or game shows comes on, when she leaps out of bed with cat-like agility and sits there in her chair in front of the TV to watch it. Televisual experience over she slopes off back to bed for further martyrdom.
We get a feeble voice whispering "Hello! Hello! Get me a cup of tea will you?" Then when she takes it through she gets "Would you butter me some toast as well?" and so it goes on. She's been eating, drinking and defecating normally for the last two weeks , but she still makes out that she's at death's door.
A few days back, my son heard her get up, leave her room, walk briskly down the hall to the kitchen and, when she saw him there, she physically changed her demeanour to make out that she was having to cling onto the wall/door frame to stand up straight, and asked him in a feeble voice to support her across the kitchen to get to the kettle (presumably for another cup of tea and soup - see "Making Lunch the M-I-L Way" below).
She claims to be unable to carry anything because having a saline drip in her arm has drained all her strength. She's as right as rain when she thinks there's no-one there to notice or hear her. As soon as she realises that there is someone around to notice, she puts on her pathetic 'I'm not long for this world voice": especially whenever the phone rings so she can get some long distance sympathy.
My daughter overheard two comments she had with her friend when she came to visit.
Comment 1: (by M-I-L)
"You know, I'm not being looked after properly. I've had to make my own meals" (like she does every other day that she's not ill!)
Comment 2: (by her friend)
"So what exactly is wrong with you now?" (clearly as baffled as we are two weeks after the initial illness!)
She even told our cleaner that it was probably down to the super powerful painkillers that she was taking that she was ill. That may have been so except for the fact that she hasn't taken then for a week and a half - that's some lasting effect they have!
There's nothing more wrong with her than a major attack of hypochondria.
It makes my blood boil.
So off she goes to hospital where they stick her on a saline drip to rehydrate her, and take some the usual set of bodily fluid samples to test.
Within a few hours she no longer had the sh*ts and announced to the current Mrs James that she felt greatly improved. They decided to keep her in hospital overnight and took more samples, having found nothing untoward in the first set.
The next day she looked as right as rain, and her medical chart seemed to bear out that there was nothing amiss in her vital signs - blood pressure, pulse, temperature etc all normal.
Once again, they found nothing wrong in her samples and said that if she had no further symnptoms she could go home the next day. So it was that we collected her the next day looking the picture of health.
However, since she got home, she has proceeded to milk her experience for all its worth. She has lived in her dressing gown and has pretty much stayed in bed acting feeble - at least until one of her soaps or game shows comes on, when she leaps out of bed with cat-like agility and sits there in her chair in front of the TV to watch it. Televisual experience over she slopes off back to bed for further martyrdom.
We get a feeble voice whispering "Hello! Hello! Get me a cup of tea will you?" Then when she takes it through she gets "Would you butter me some toast as well?" and so it goes on. She's been eating, drinking and defecating normally for the last two weeks , but she still makes out that she's at death's door.
A few days back, my son heard her get up, leave her room, walk briskly down the hall to the kitchen and, when she saw him there, she physically changed her demeanour to make out that she was having to cling onto the wall/door frame to stand up straight, and asked him in a feeble voice to support her across the kitchen to get to the kettle (presumably for another cup of tea and soup - see "Making Lunch the M-I-L Way" below).
She claims to be unable to carry anything because having a saline drip in her arm has drained all her strength. She's as right as rain when she thinks there's no-one there to notice or hear her. As soon as she realises that there is someone around to notice, she puts on her pathetic 'I'm not long for this world voice": especially whenever the phone rings so she can get some long distance sympathy.
My daughter overheard two comments she had with her friend when she came to visit.
Comment 1: (by M-I-L)
"You know, I'm not being looked after properly. I've had to make my own meals" (like she does every other day that she's not ill!)
Comment 2: (by her friend)
"So what exactly is wrong with you now?" (clearly as baffled as we are two weeks after the initial illness!)
She even told our cleaner that it was probably down to the super powerful painkillers that she was taking that she was ill. That may have been so except for the fact that she hasn't taken then for a week and a half - that's some lasting effect they have!
There's nothing more wrong with her than a major attack of hypochondria.
It makes my blood boil.
posted by Unknown @ 2:35 pm
2 Comments:
At 3:38 am,
Anonymous said…
Sounds like my MIL's mother. She had my MIL waiting on her hand and foot for years. She moved downstairs and used to shuffle around on her newly-acquired zimmer frame. One time she went to the (downstairs) WC, and then returned to her bed in the lounge without it. Bloody malingerer (as I muttered under my breath at her funeral).
At 3:10 pm,
Unknown said…
lmao.
M-I-L is still feigning illness, and a comment she made yesterday made it clear what's behind it.
Under pressure from M-I-L to confirm that she really is ill, they have agreed to carry out a further round of tests on an out-patient basis. M-I-L commented about the fact that she hasn't got a further hospital appointment through yet.
Reading between the lines from a discussion yesterday (if it's possible to read between the lines of a discussion!) we reckon that she will be "ill" until she's had those tests and they've proved that there's still nothing wrong with her.
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